Posted by: husbandandfatheroffour | May 7, 2012

Loss

Loss is something that we all have to go through in our lifetime. I feel very fortunate that I never had to experience a death of such a close loved one until a year ago. The relationship and connection I had with my grandmother (who we called Nonnie) has made this very hard for me. It was very hard the moment she decided she was done with it all, that she didn’t want to or couldn’t fight the fight anymore. Getting the call that she had died was very hard. Even though I knew it was coming, you still keep this fantasy thought in the back of your mind that some miracle is going to happen and things start to turn around and she will get better and go home. You know that is not going to happen but you just can’t get that little thought to go away until the moment you get that call. One of the hardest things I struggle with is that night before I had gotten a call and knew she wasn’t doing very well. I had to make a decision to drive back down there or not. This particular time I chose to stay here to catch up on work, be with my wife and kids, and to go to the kids baseball games that next day. Even though I know Nonnie would have wanted me to make that exact decision, I can’t help but be saddened that I didn’t go down there. To hold her hand one last time. To whisper I love you one more time. To again let her know what she meant to me and the impact she had on my life. I know the decision I made to stay was not wrong but it still doesn’t stop me from regretting it.

It is amazing the impact that someone you cared for so much can have on you still after they are gone. You miss them all over again when the thoughts of; she would have liked to seen this, or heard that, or have read this, etc. The impact they still have on your lives when you ask yourself; What would Nonnie think? What would she do? What advice would she give me? I miss her everyday! I know as I get older more loss will come and be just as difficult. This is the cruel part of life, the part where loved ones are taken from our lives and we are left with nothing but memories. So how do we move on? How do we get back to our lives when we lose pieces of it? I can’t say for everyone but I can tell you how I do it. First and foremost through the strength that God gives me. Knowing their faith has now become their eyes, puts a smile on my face. Knowing I was loved by them keeps my heart full. Knowing that through me sharing the qualities and love I learned from them, that they still impact this world. And most of all knowing that while their lives may be a part of my past they are also a part of my future, as I know I will see and be reunited with them again one day.

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