Posted by: husbandandfatheroffour | November 20, 2012

A Husband’s Battle On Black Friday Shopping

Well this is the long weekend we all have been waiting for.  There will be turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, and many other great foods.  Football will be on TV all day long.  Family and friends are gathered together, mostly getting along.  You get your best nap of the year in.  By the end of the day you are thankful, glad that you got to spend time with family, and miserable.  Then you go and lay down like a bear fully fed and ready to hibernate for the winter.  You pull on the covers and just get into that deep sleep, dreaming about how nice it would be to get tickets to the super bowl, when the alarm goes off.

Your open your eyes but they are so heavy they want to shut again.  It is a battle between the will to keep them open and your body saying, “Not yet, I am not ready.” You are able to push them open just enough to read the blurry numbers on the clock.  It says it is 2A.M.  Your wife rolls over and slaps you on the butt and in an excited voice, like she got her full 8 hours of beauty sleep, she says, “Get up, get up, get up.  It is time to get ready and go.” She is so perky, her hands clapping with cheer, and her excitement is uncontainable.  “Hurry up! We have to go or we won’t get a good spot in line.” She tells you.

You are now in the car and you realize you don’t even remember going down the stairs or even getting dressed.  “Oh crap, did I even get dressed?” You think to yourself and take a quick glance down.  Yes somehow you have put on clothes, your winter gear, and made it to the car.  As you sit there waiting for the car to warm up just a little bit she comes bouncing out of the house all gleefully.  She opens the door, plops down in the seat, and turns to you and pats you on the shoulder rapidly like a rabbit is practicing hits kicking skills.  “This is going to be so much fun.  I have it all planned out and I can’t wait.” She tells you.

It is 3A.M. as you pull into the parking lot.  You can’t believe all the cars there and the line already forming.  “Really the $1 savings on a care bear is that important?” You think to yourself.  The car is nice and toasty and as you lay your head against the seat rest to try and catch a couple more z’s before the mad rush and she says, “I need you to go stand in line.  I have to just sort through my flyers real quick and make sure I have everything I need in order.” 

You look at her and then you look outside.  “You know it is only like 15 degrees out there right?”  For a split second, the happy-go-lucky face looks at you, but with red in her eyes.  You get a cold chill down your spine and know that the best thing you can do is suck it up and go get in line.  “Alright I am going.” You say with a forced smile.  “I will only be a couple of minutes and then I will come stand with you.” She says.

As you are walking up to the line you are in a drive-by shoulder bump as some older women run past you to get those couple of spots in line ahead of you.  To make it worse the one who hit you looks back and glares at you like if that spot gets taken you are dead meat, mister.  You listen to peoples conversations about what kind of craziness happened at their house for Thanksgiving and what they are there to buy.  As everyone hears what items everyone else wants, the stare-downs begin.  You hear one person say they are there for some baby doll and the woman in front of her tells her, “Well they only have so many and I counted and most likely I will be the last one to get one.”  Others talked about how they mapped out the store and got information from employees of where they were going to display the items. 

It is now 4:30A.M., and the wife now emerges from the car and gets in line with you.  Ice is forming in your nose, your face is numb to the touch.  “It took me a lot longer than I thought.”  She says with an ‘oops, I’m sorry’ smile.  Yet she looks like she has rested a bit more, her make-up was freshly put on, and it even looks like she has changed shirts.

The store opens a little early to let you in because of how cold it is, but you can not shop yet.  She tells you what items you need to grab first, and how important it is, and to just meet her back at the car after you check out.  You find that bin and it just happens to be the one with those dolls the other ladies were talking about.  She tells you just put your hand on a doll and that one will be yours and that she is going to the other side for something else. 

You know you have to get one with a pink dress.  You look into the bin and you see it.  You start to reach your hand down to pull it up to you so that when they say it is time you can just take it and go.  As you reach in you hear a deep and ferocious growling.  You look over and it is the same grandma that shoulder bumped you earlier.  You are starting to sweat and feel very afraid as now it seems everyone is staring at you. 

You have to make the choice get mauled to death by these women, or deal with your wife later.  You choose the mauling.  You reach in and grab the one with the pink dress.  You pull it to the top of the bin – but not out of it.  All of a sudden, you hear someone screaming, “He is cheating!  He is cheating!”  A couple employees start your way.  They are shaking their heads like they can’t believe what you’re doing.  One is coming straight at you and the other goes around so that he can get behind you so that you are trapped.  The one coming straight at you looks like he is even pulling out a thing of pepper spray.  He twirls it around in his hand like a gun slinger and is shaking his head at you like he is telling you, “You just messed up son!”

Just then, the one behind you puts his hand on your shoulder and you drop the doll.  Just as you drop the doll the announcement is made that you can start shopping.  It is a mad house.  The guy that did have your shoulder takes off so he wouldn’t get trampled.  You look down and the doll you just had your hand on is being taken by someone else.  Of course it is that pesky old lady again.  She looks and gives you the don’t-mess-with-me smile.  You look back down and all the dolls are gone.  You turn to see where she is,  when you are knocked down by some teenage girls running and yelling, “I have to get that One Direction CD!”  They don’t care they knocked you down they just use you as a stepping stone. 

You finally get back up and the other employee is in your face.  He yells at you about how you almost knocked those girls down and how awful it was that you tried to take that doll away from that poor older woman.  Again you are bumped and fall towards him.  He immediately pepper sprays you and knocks you to the ground.  Your eyes are burning and every time you try and get up someone steps on you knocking you back down.

As he goes to grab you, you are once again trampled on and he is knocked backwards by a group of women in their 30’s, who are there to get the CD box set of New Kids on the Block.  As you look up you notice one of them is your wife who doesn’t even look back to see if you are okay. 

You are able to stumble to your feet and get away from the store employee and lose yourself in the crowd.  You are walking around defeated, eyes burning, and depleted of all energy.  Just as you decide to go to the car and call it a loss you notice the old lady with the doll.  You know there is no bargaining with her so you do what you have to.  You take off running towards her and as you get close you lower your shoulder and with every bit of energy you have left you pile drive her to the ground.  As she hits the floor the doll pops up like a fumbled football.  You jump up and grab it and take off for the registers.  Then you stop, run all the way back, look down at her, and growl.  You take back off for the registers.  Every line is so long, so you just run to the person checking out, scan the doll, and throw some cash down while telling the clerk that it’s for the doll. 

You make it to the car where your wife is waiting on you.  “What took you so long?  I got my three things to your one and I am already done.”  She says.  You look at her and raise your arms in victory.  “Yeah but at least I did get the doll.” You tell her.  She looks at you and smiles.  “There is one thing, though.” She says.  “What?” You ask.  “It was supposed to be purple.  She doesn’t like pink.”           

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