Posted by: husbandandfatheroffour | January 7, 2013

10 Tips Of How NOT To Teach Your Teen To Drive

So your child is learning to drive and you want to know how to teach them.  Well I am just the person to ask.  My daughter has just gotten her permit.  I am trying to teach her how the rules of the road go but not sure I am doing this exactly right.  So here are 10 of my tips on what not to do, because I have tried these and they don’t really work.  For some reason she only wants to drive with her mother now.  So here they are:

1)  When you have seated yourself in the passenger’s seat and have securely buckled yourself in, and your child gets into the drivers seat and starts to do the same, do not start rocking back and forth crying uncontrollably while yelling, “We all are going to die.”

2)  Once your child has calmed you down do not then make a phone call to your lawyer to update your will right there on the spot.  Especially if you are telling said lawyer, while on speaker phone, that you are leaving that child out because it will be there fault you are dead.

3)  Once they have started driving down the road it is a good idea to not tell them to look over at those horses in the field and when they refuse to demand they look because you are their father and you said so.  Also on that same note when they turn back around to look at the road do not have your face right in front of theirs and try and scare them by yelling, “Ahhhhh,” really loudly. 

4)  Also while driving down the road do not ask them to text their mother that they are out driving with you because your fingers hurt and you don’t feel like texting at that moment.

5)  When coming to a yellow light and they start to slow down do not tell them to go really, really fast because the red light is the devil and it will get them if they have to stop.

6)  It is also not a good idea to pretend they are little again and cover up their eyes to play peek-a-boo with them. 

7)  If your child is pulled over while driving with you it is not funny, at least to the police officer, if you take one of the powdered donuts and wipe some of the powder under yours and your child’s nose.  Of course all can be settled by offering the officer one of your donuts.

8)  Do not tell your child that it is okay to go around the down crossing arms at the train tracks and that the crossing arms are only there to prevent the train from turning.

9)  You might not want to tell them that when merging onto the highway the right way to let the drivers know you need over is by rolling down the window and sticking their hand out the window telling them they are number one, but not with the index finger.

10)  When coming upon slower drivers you should also not tell them that rubbing is racing and that all they have to do is slightly tap the car in front of them on the rear corner panel and that will safely spin them out of the way.

Disclaimer: this post is a parody of a fictional crazy person teaching their child to drive, it in no way depicts how I, actual crazy person, have been teaching my child to drive.

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