Posted by: husbandandfatheroffour | January 22, 2013

A Bad Day And Yelling Make For A Mistake And A Heavy Heart

I love being a father and a husband.  There is no doubt that I would die for my wife and my kids.  It is an unconditional love I have for them but that doesn’t mean in anyway, shape, or form that I am close to being a perfect person.  There are times as a parent and a husband that I am disappointed in myself.  I feel that I have let down my children, my wife, and God.  I believe we all have those moments or at very least I hope we all do so I am not alone. 

It all starts because maybe you had a bad day at work, you don’t feel good, someone or something made you mad, or you are just frustrated for having to say the same thing over and over to them.  Then something happens that on any other day but this one would be no big deal, because in reality it is no big deal.  You would explain to them why they got in trouble or why you disagree and that hopefully they learned their lesson or understand your point and then move on, but this day is different. 

Your nerves are fried, you have reached your boiling point, and you decide that this is it.  You can’t take it anymore and you go off on them.  You start telling them what they did was inexcusable and that they knew better or that they are wrong and they never take your side.  Your voice is raised, they can see the anger in your face, and most likely are confused because they don’t understand what they did that was so wrong or why they are in trouble.  I am not saying there are not times to be stern with your kids or have a disagreement with your spouse but even then it is a different kind of sternness and disagreement.  It is controlled and this is not.  You are loud and mean.  You just let things spew out of your mouth without thinking about the affects those words can have on them.

It is almost instantly, after it is all over, that you realize what you have done.  How small you have made them feel because you were upset about other things but took it out on them.  You know you have hurt their feelings and disrespected them in a way that should never happen.  As you walk away to be by yourself you can hear everything that you said and how you said it to them ten times louder in your head.  You are so mad at yourself now you feel like the life is being choked out of you.  You start questioning yourself why God even allows you to have a wife or kids if you are going to treat them this way even once.

In all honesty you wish Jesus would come down and do the same thing to you because you know you deserve it.  You should feel the exact way you just made them feel, like a piece of crap.  The words and how they were spoken in anger just keep pounding your thoughts like a jack hammer.  What a jerk, no what a (excuse my language) asshole you are.  You know you can’t take that moment back….ever.

Now you know there is only one thing you can do and that is to apologize.  To say I’m sorry seems to be a hard thing for people to do but you know you have too.  It will not make up for what you did but it can take some of the sting away.  You tell them you are sorry and how much you love them and that they didn’t deserve that.  You tell them why it happened, because you had a bad day and you didn’t act adult about it.  None of that was their fault.  The fault is yours and yours alone.  You tell them that because you didn’t handle those things in an adult way you came home and took it out on them and there is no excuse for that.  You tell them that it is alright for them to be mad at you.  You ask them to forgive you and tell them how much you really love them.  You tell them you are sorry again.

It is amazing how many of the good moments so overwhelmingly out weigh the bad but that one bad moment where you rant and yell seem so much heavier at the time it feels like you will never get it to go away or lift off your heart.  Thankfully our kids and spouses have unconditional love for us too and when they come to give you a hug goodnight and still tell you that they love you without pause, it helps lift the weight of that horrible moment off your heart.  You start to feel like you can breathe a little again.  Then instead of wishing Jesus would come in anger at you like that, you are thanking God for his love and the fact that you can feel His love through those moments when your wife and children forgive you and tell you that they love you.

We are not perfect beings and we will always make mistakes.  I just pray that the mistakes I make like this are far and few in-between and that when they do happen I will always have the courage and faith to say I am sorry and admit my wrong doings.  Whether that is to my family or anyone else we sometimes snap at because we are having a bad day.

Ephesians 4:26-27 Don’t get so angry that you sin.  Don’t go to bed angry so that you don’t give the devil a chance

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