Posted by: husbandandfatheroffour | February 7, 2013

Footballs, Flags, Whistles, Kids, Wife And A New Way To Run The Household/World! You Better Watch Out World, The Sports and Referee Freight Train Is Coming!

In our home we have rules and chores.  We have expectations of homework being done, baths being taken, teeth being brushed and animals being fed, watered, and taken out.  We even have a list for them and all they have to do is look at it every day to be reminded.  Somehow though, things are forgotten every day.  They can’t remember to take the dog out every evening but they can remember the trash every Wednesday.  They can’t remember that they need a shower but they can remember what time Sponge Bob Square Pants comes on.  They seem to have selective memory and only remember what the rules are when they want to.  So I am coming up with a plan.

I am a huge sports fan and my favorite sport is football.  So I have devised a plan to implement some aspect of the sport into our lives everyday.  I will need 3 things for this to work.  I will have to find myself a referee shirt, some yellow flags, and a whistle.  I will change the way I notify the kids of something not being done.  For example we have a list of times that the dog needs to go out.  She is a small dog and needs to be taken out every couple of hours but even with the times posted the kids never seem to be able to remember.  They all wanted this dog so badly, but one of the conditions of getting her was to make sure she is taken out so she doesn’t pee on the floor.  The old way used to be that when we noticed the time had passed we would take the dog out and then they would lose out on something.  For example no video games, no dessert, TV would have to be shut off until her next potty time, etc.  Now I have a new plan.  Now when I notice the time has passed, I will just walk in the room they are in and loudly blow my whistle and throw the yellow flag.  I will then inform them that they have been penalized for delay of game since time has expired on the dog’s potty time.  Then I will enforce the penalty while making sure one of them still takes the dog out.  Normally a delay of game is just a 5 yard penalty but in our home it will result in a 5 minute study time of the potty schedule.  Once the time is up their play can resume.

Another thing is catching them in a lie.  We usually just say, “You’re lying and we have caught you” and then give them a punishment.  I will now instead blow the whistle for all to hear and throw the flag (with the word liar on it) near the lying person for all to see and proceed to explain how I know they are lying.  In our house lying can get them from time in the corner or having to go to bed very early that night.   We can still keep that punishment but I will add a little twist to it.  I will have little footballs made up with the words, “I lied and got caught” on them and they will have to carry those around for a least a quarter’s worth (15 minutes in the NFL) of time.

When arguing with each other I will blow the whistle and throw the flag to get their attention.  Once I have reviewed what happened and who was at fault then that person might be ejected from that room for a period of time to reflect on what they did wrong.    

Now not every thing will only be for the bad things they do.  When they do something good I will signal that and make an announcement.  For example if one of our kids takes out the trash, I might announce what a team player they are and give him a high five or a pat on the butt.  If one of them goes beyond their normal expectancies I will award them by throwing my hands up like they have scored a touchdown, but they must be careful not to do too much celebrating because that could get them penalized for unsportsmanlike conduct.  Once they have received the touchdown signal they will be rewarded with an extra something like staying up a little later, an extra dessert, a little extra time playing their video game, etc.

This new way of handling things would even expand to the wife.  I could throw the flag whenever she tries to change the station on the TV to what I consider unacceptable women programming.  In the middle of an argument I could blow the whistle stating that she is out of bounds (and wrong) and continuing this behavior could get her penalized by not being allowed to talk.  If talking while the game is on she could be ejected from the room but forced to later have to listen to a recap of the game by me.    

We sports guys could eventually rule the world.  First we take control of our houses, then our towns, then counties, states, and then finally the country.  All differences would be settled on the field, court, diamond, rink, etc., and all governed by the sport’s rules and a few referees.  The winner would be right.  No more guns, bombs, etc. deciding who was right or wrong just some sportsmanship and a game to decide.   I have not gotten it all narrowed down but this plan of mine is crazy enough it just might work.

Oh crap, I have to go for now, the kids are arguing, the wife is yelling that I did something wrong, and the dog needs to go out because everyone else has forgotten about her.  Well at least I have written down this famous idea and if for some reason I can’t make this happen maybe one of you can.  Just remember our slogan, “EA Sports, To The Game! I know, I know it is catchy but I just need to figure out what EA stands for and how we can market it.  Until then keep the butt slaps, high fives, fist bumps, and victory dances going because one day those will not just be sports gestures they will be an international way of life. 

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