Posted by: husbandandfatheroffour | June 19, 2013

Self Doubt

Self doubt can be evil.  It is a plague that will slowly eats away at you.  Maybe you have it because people have told you that you aren’t good, talented, or smart enough.  Maybe you have it because you have personally failed at some things and just have never regained you full confidence back.  Either way it can make you feel like you aren’t good enough.  It makes every decision you have to make harder because you doubt the one you are making is the right one.  It can make you depressed.  Self doubt can make you wonder things about yourself that you have never thought or wondered about before like; Why would God care about me? 

Self doubt can mentally drain you because you constantly feel every decision you make is the wrong one and will hurt your family.  Along with self doubt comes the constant thought of all your failures of the past.  You think about all the ways you feel that you let down your family.  You think about jobs you didn’t get and things you can’t do for your family because you didn’t get them.  The stress you could relieve from your spouse if only you could provide more and do more for them.  You feel like you have let them down and because you let them down you have let God down.  It eats at you slowly every day until one day you make a small mistake.  Even though it is a mistake that you would have been upset with yourself about normally but would have just fixed it and moved on, this time it makes you boil over.  You loose yourself and now all those self doubting thoughts come rushing in at once.  There is not a single second of a good thought or feeling.  You just want to bang your head against a wall until it all stops.  You can feel the anger just raging inside of you until you are shaking.  Once again you feel that you have let down your family and that you are the cause of any and all despair that they might have.  You wonder why they could even possibly love you.

The problem is no one knows how you feel because you have not talked to anyone.  You have not talked to your spouse, family, or friends because you fear that if you confess how you are feeling it will make you look weak.  You have so much shame about how you feel that even though God is right beside you he feels like a millions miles away so you don’t even talk to Him and that makes your darkness even darker.  All you do is just mask everything until you have no more room to hide it and everything explodes.

The amazing part is that even with your own self doubt your spouse is there to listen.  You finally tell them how you have been feeling and you tell them you don’t even know how you got to that point.  You are the one who always looks to the upside of things and now you couldn’t even do that.  The more you talk the more the weight just flies off.  The more they talk to you the more you can hear, see, and feel their love and the more you can see that you aren’t failing.  How could you be failing and someone still love you so much.  You start to realize the things you feel like you’re a failure at are just not meant to be in their eyes and it has nothing to do with you not being good enough.  In the same moments of all that you can once again feel His hand on your shoulder letting you know He is still there and that He never left.  You pray, you tell your spouse thank you and how much you love them.  You know now that you have to open up more because when you do there is nothing to hide and those dark feelings won’t even have a chance to rear its ugly head.     


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