Posted by: husbandandfatheroffour | October 23, 2013

Old Man Winter, Ugh.

Well it is that time of year again, and no I am not talking about Christmas.  I am talking about old man winter time.  You know – that ‘my lips are purple, my fingers won’t move, and my boogers are frozen in my nose’ time of year.  It’s that time of year that, when you were a kid, it was your goal to find even the smallest patch of ice so you could slide on it – but now that you are older you are scared to death that you are going to find that patch and it will knock you on your butt.  If that happens, you try over and over to keep getting up, but because you don’t have the coordination and balance you used to have, you just keep slipping on that same patch of ice.  Finally you realize that the only way you are getting out of this is to roll until you find some non-icy ground.  Once that happens you are now so tired you can barely push yourself up off the ground and you wonder if it just wouldn’t be better to lay there and freeze. 

It is also that time of year when you are in your home sipping on some hot chocolate, covered in a blanket, while watching some football.  You are feeling perfectly comfortable when she then tells you that if you want supper then you need to run to the store for something she needs.  You slowly start to uncover yourself and get up from the couch.  You are moving so slow that the sloth on TV is laughing at you.  You put on your coat, gloves, hat, and boots.  You are bundle up more than Ralfie’s little brother was in A Christmas Story.  She hands you the keys and tells you thank you as she gives you a kiss.  For that your task is now worth it.  You open the door and BAM!  The cold, cold wind blows forcefully at you.  It finds a way through a little gap between your glove and coat sleeve and up your arm.  From there it travels over the shoulder and down your chest into the tiniest of gaps from your button-up shirt (and you realize you should have put on the thermal undershirt your wife bought you).  At that point it then splits up going up and over the neck of your shirt while also going down and breaches an opening in the top of your jeans.  The coldness is too much for your skin to take.  You feel like you have just jumped into a frozen lake and are about to faint when you say, “the hell with this!” and slam the door closed.  You look over at your wife and tell her that the best option tonight would be to just go to bed hungry and hope for warmer weather tomorrow.

Maybe your kids ask you to go out and help them build a snowman.  Well you can’t say no to that.  You bundle up once again and brave the weather for your kid’s enjoyment.  They are giggling and laughing and building one snowman after another like they are oblivious that it is only 20 degrees outside.  After about 30 minutes you are watching them hoping that they realize you are no longer moving.  You are pretty sure you have ice cycles hanging down from your nose and eyebrows.  The snow that is falling is actually starting to cover you up and all you can think about is that warm furnace air that comes from the vent next to your seat on the couch, and your steaming cup of hot chocolate that’s just sitting there waiting for someone to drink it.  You must be camouflaged with snow because the kids all start to go back inside and not one of them helps you.  You can now see them all sitting on the floor watching cartoons drinking your hot chocolate as you are trying to yell for help but your lips won’t come apart.  You are pretty sure you are starting to get frost bite on your toes even though you have three pairs of socks and winter boots on.  The snowmen beside you that the kids built have somehow managed to form a circle around you.  They don’t like the fact that you seem to be trying to become like them.  They are magical things built by children and you are just a weenie man who can’t stand the cold and are now frozen there in place. 

Oh the horrible things that can happen to you when old man winter arrives.  Now I am not saying there aren’t a couple of beautiful things about winter, but that is as far as I will go.  The first full snowfall and Christmas Eve/Christmas Day snow are two great things but besides that, old man winter can take the snow, ice, and cold and shove it where the sun does shine.  


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