Posted by: husbandandfatheroffour | February 17, 2014

A shower, shampoo, and scare tactics; A wife’s revenge

For anyone who knows us, we are a family who constantly thinks it is funny to try and scare the crap out of one another.  This story is about a wife’s revenge.

So it had been a rough day at work and all I wanted to do was come home and take a nice long hot shower to relax my tense muscles and wash the day off.  It was a normal summer evening as I got the shower started and began to undress to get in.  A quick glance into the mirror had me flexing my biceps and kissing each one as if there were actually muscle bulging from there.  I chuckle at myself and shake my head, “idiot.”  I reach my hand into the shower to see if it was warm enough.  Even though I could not hear the words, I could hear music playing as my wife started to cook dinner.  It was Friday and the weekend was beginning which helped me forget about the work day.  Now music was playing in my head and I started belting out Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’.”

Why that song was stuck in my head I don’t know.  Maybe it was just because I wanted to tell myself that if I kept on believing that one day I too could have Matthew McConaughey six pack abs.  Of course it could have just been that I still didn’t want to believe that the high dive incident at the community pool really happened (see earlier post A Day At The Pool).

As I get in the water instantly relaxes my muscles.  I am feeling real good right about now.  I put my face under the water and then grab for the shampoo.  “Don’t stop believin’…..,” I sang.  I finish washing my hair and rinsed it out.  My eyes are closed tight so that no shampoo will get into them.  I splash my face to make sure all the soap is off and open them up. “RRRAAAAHHH!”

I am positive that was not a human voice but a bear’s voice instead.  I screamed in such a high pitch voice that Mariah Carey would have been proud of me.  My arms start swinging towards the growling sound but instead of hitting it my left fist found every bottle of soap, conditioner, and face wash that was in the shower.  My right fist quickly became tangled in the shower curtain.  At one time the tub was under my feet, but now my feet were mid-air.  All I could hear was evil laughter, “Muahaha” (imagine it in a deep, slow voice).  As I continued to fall I could hear the clink, clink, clink, of the shower curtain being pulled off the rings.  My head now became a pinball banging against the shower rack, then against each knob, off of the spout, and finally landing where my feet used to be, on the floor of the tub.

Amazingly my left leg was now stuck in between the shower wall and the silver grip bar.  My right leg seemed to be covered with the rest of the shower curtain and hanging over the edge of the tub.  Finally the fall was over and everything stood still again.  I thought it was over.  I looked up to see that somehow my wife had been able to sneak into the bathroom and into the shower without me hearing a peep.  As she starts to bring her arms from behind her back the deep, slow laugh grows louder.  Everything is moving in slow motion as I see the gallon pitcher she has in her hand.  I can see it is filled with liquid and immediately know that the fluid in that pitcher is ice cold water. 

I start to flail around like a fish out of water, trying with all my strength to free my left leg from the silver grip bar but it is to no avail.  I try yanking my right leg up in the air hoping I can cover myself with the shower curtain that had been ripped down from my fall but it won’t budge.  I look over in that direction and noticed she has stepped onto the curtain preventing it and my leg to move.

The tiniest drop hits my stomach and my body starts to shut down.  I try to scream but there is nothing coming out.  My body is now paralyzed.  In my head I am screaming, “Someone come into this bathroom and save me.  I have married a terrorist!”  But no one is coming and I know it.  Not only does her evil laugh seem to get scarier but her head slowly starts to spin around a full 360 degrees.  The rest of the water comes pouring down on me as if I were standing underneath the Niagara falls in the middle of January.  It is endless!  I am shivering so bad it looks as if I am convulsing. 

Finally it is all over with as the last of the water runs off of me and down the drain.  I just lay there afraid to move because I don’t know if there is more to come or not.  I so ever slowly open my eyes afraid of what might be next. 

“I finally got you!  I scared the crap out of you and I froze you out of a hot shower just as you have done to so many others” she yells while uncontrollably laughing.  The laughter abruptly ends as she holds the empty pitcher over me.  With a quick release she drops it onto me and says, “Payback’s a B*tch!” and walks away. 

Now I lock the bathroom door and buy no tears shampoo so I can take a shower and wash my hair all while keeping my eyes open just incase she manages to pick the lock.

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