Posted by: husbandandfatheroffour | December 5, 2014

Christmas Lights And The Roof

Christmas means Christmas lights, which means Christmas lights on the roof.  Yes the roof, the thing on your house that keeps the ice, snow, and rain out.  The part of your house that is so high you have to get a ladder out, climb on it, and somehow when you get to the top bring yourself to lift your feet off of the ladder and onto your roof with no safety nets, no ropes or wires to make sure you don’t fall, and no airbags below to stop your fall if you do slip.  It is all I have left to do and the decorations will be done.  I have everything I need for the project now it is just the daunting task of getting it done. 

As I start it is 30 degrees outside and I am sweating like if it were a hundred.  I start on the north side and start laying down my strands of lights, one after the other, to make sure they will reach from one side to the other.  I start to slowly lay down the first strand and start moving southward and as I get to the end of the first strand I plug in the second one into it.  As I continue to move southward my pulse rises and even more sweat starts to pour out of me.  The measurement is coming to the highest peek of the roof.  My legs are starting to feel like they are made of jelly.  With every step I take they are getting weaker and weaker and then like taking the last piece out of a Jenga puzzle my whole body collapses.  I am terrified and my heart is now racing so fast that I think it has left my body and I can hear the beating of it getting farther and farther away as it heads for safety.  My arms instantly soar over my head throwing the rest of the Christmas lights I had into the air.  My legs are slipping out from under me and I realize about halfway through this I must look like a human X the way I was sprawling out, like this would help me maybe float down instead of pummeling downward. 

As my feet continue to slide out from under me I can hear the bursting of the bulbs, “pop, pop, pop.”  Oh we couldn’t just have the little colored lights we had to buy the big, beautiful bulbs because they would look so much prettier on the roof.  “Pop, pop, pop.” Suddenly a great thought comes into my head and I need to try and flip myself over because landing on my butt might hurt a little less.  As I fling and flail my body trying to flip myself around I start to think maybe this wasn’t a good idea.  Somehow though I did it and as I look up I only see the sky and the strands of Christmas lights that I had thrown coming back down towards me.  They start to perfectly entangle themselves around my body as if they knew what they were doing.  I can’t be 100% but I am pretty sure as they were coming towards me they formed devil horns and all the red lights lit up.  For a second I start to chuckle because I am sure I look just like Chevy Chase on the cover of Christmas Vacation. 

I am quickly brought back to reality though as my feet start to hit the surface below me.  I am coming down at an angle and start to slide as my body is hitting the ground.  “Pop, pop, pop,” followed by my screams because shards of glass bulbs start stabbing me in the butt.  I am now in an uncontrollable slide with the bulbs continuing to bust all around me every second.  I have tumbled over and over and I am now on my stomach sliding towards a dark spot in the snow in the area were the dog always uses the restroom.  The lights have now wrapped around me so tight that I can’t move my arms in order to put them in front of me to stop myself.  I am screaming for myself to stop as the dark spot grows closer and closer.  With no choice left I slam my head down into the snow to use as a brake in order to stop myself.  It worked with only inches to spare.  As I roll over I am in front of our Christmas penguins and I swear they look like they are smiling and laughing at me right along with my kids.  All of the commotion outside and the laughter of my kids got my wife’s attention and she comes outside to see what was going on. 

When she sees me she is not laughing and runs over to me and asks why everyone thinks it is funny that someone fell off the roof.  This makes my kids laugh harder and my oldest daughter points to the first strand of lights and says, “He wasn’t even on the roof, look.  He was just laying the lights down on the ground to measure and make sure he had enough and then all of the sudden he just started to freak out.  We didn’t know what was going on but it was so funny we just decided to stand here and see how it all ended.”  

My wife looks down at me laughing and asks if I have anything to say.  The only thing I could muster was, “I told you I don’t like heights.”  She helps untangle me from the lights as they all continue to chuckle and laugh.  I look down and look back at her and say, “Well at least I stopped myself before I landed in the dog poop.”

She chuckles, “Yeah but unfortunately you have yellow snow all over your face.”

While this story may be fictional right now, it is something that could very well happen if my wife ever asks me to put lights on our roof.  If it ever does you know I will write about it.

Merry Christmas!    


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