Posted by: husbandandfatheroffour | February 25, 2015

The Evil Stairs

The event of changing a light bulb started out just like the other thousands of times I had done it.  I unscrewed the old light bulb and screwed in the new one and then flipped the switch to see if it turned on, which it did.  Mission Accomplished!  I take a second while I am upstairs to look into the boy’s room to see how it looks and to my surprise I could actually see at least 25% of the floor.  To most that would represent a total pigsty but for me that meant at least it was a quarter of the way cleaned so I smiled and knew right away if the wife asked I would just say it didn’t look bad.  I turned and started to head downstairs.

As I took my first step down my heel hit the edge of the step instead of right in the middle of it.  You would think maybe I had never went down steps before and didn’t realize how much more important the middle of the step was compared to the edge of it.  As my heel slipped off the edge I felt the top half of my body immediately start to fall backwards as my legs kicked out from under me.  My first thought was, “Oh please Lord do not let the last thing I ever see be my son’s room!”  The image of toys, dirty clothes, and candy wrappers strewn all over the place just hung there before my eyes for what seemed like an eternity and this time I didn’t see any clean floor space.

As my back hit the top of the steps my feet decided to stay in the air and I started to slide down the stairs one by one.  I tried and tried to force my legs and feet down in order to stop the slide but it was like the devil had a hold of them.  It was as if he was using my legs as ski poles and my body as a sled.  I could see his evil horned red faced head looking at me and the only words that came out of his mouth were, “Weeee, Weeee, Weeee!”  I knew I was in trouble.

During the slide down my right arm decided it would throw itself into the air so that no matter what happened it would not get hurt.  My left arm on the other hand tried to be a hero and reached out for the balusters on the stairway railing.  It was not a hero!  Instead of grabbing one of the many balusters it continued to go in between them slamming itself into each one like it was trying to separate itself from my body because it just seemed like it was the right thing to do.

My back made sure it hit every single step square in the middle of it because after all making sure you touch every step on the way down is the proper way to go down stairs. 

After what seemed to be an endless amount of time, I came to a stop.  I looked up and the devil looked down and this time he had a few more words for me, “Thanks for the ride, it was a blast!”  I just laid there for a moment and thought what an ass that guy was.  After a few more seconds I decided it was time for me to start moving body parts one at a time to see if anything was broke.  As I started to do that self examination it was as a herd of horses where running through the house towards my direction.  All 4 kids and my wife stopped and stared for a second, I think they were quickly examining me also so if they started to see anything gross they could turn and run. 

A few seconds pass and I hear my oldest say, “Whew I thought we were having an earthquake but luckily it was just you falling.” 

That was followed by another child saying, “Wow you really shook the house.”  That was followed by laughter and I believe them trying to ask if I was okay but I am not sure because there was so much laughter.  After all of them settled down and I knew I was alright my sons finally asked to where I could understand them if I was alright.  I stood up, put my hands on their shoulder, smiled, and said, “For the love of God please clean your room,” and I started to walk off towards the living room.  After a few steps I stopped and turned around said, “Later there will be a class on what to do if an actual earthquake happens so that you can be more prepared next time.”

“Yep he is fine or he wouldn’t be such a smartass.” My wife told them.    

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